How A Man Ruined My Life

For the last year or so I’ve struggled to figure out why I have felt so alone when I really wasn’t. A lot of people deal with feeling lonely but this runs deeper for me. I’m not sure if this is the exact reason but I’m almost positive that I suffer from abandonment issues. This is something my therapist and I took a while to figure out.  I never wanted to believe that my father leaving me would have such a negative effect on my life but it did. The reason this is so hard for me is because I never cared or thought about it because I never needed a father. I had my mother and I still do.

My mom is my rock. Without her, I’m not sure I would be here right now. Not just because she physically gave birth to me but because I mentally wouldn’t be able to handle it if she was gone. I’m absolutely obsessed with my mom. I need her and she needs me. The bond we have is unbreakable. Yes, I am 20 years old but honestly, I don’t see this changing anytime soon.

(My favorite picture of me and my mom! Do we look alike?❤️)

ANYWAY, back to me. I don’t have any real memories of my dad and me; only when I’ve seen him a couple times throughout my life. My siblings have memories with him but that’s because of our age difference. I am the youngest of 5 and my oldest sibling is like 39. It used to hurt me when they would talk about our dad because I didn’t have that. It never bothered me when my friends would talk about their dads because I still had a great life with my mom. I didn’t feel that I was missing out at all. I have two twin older brothers who played “father figure” in my life. Now I have my moms fiancé who has been playing “father figure” since I was about 12 or maybe even younger. I hated it at first because I thought he was stealing my mom but I have grown to love him so much. I am thankful that he accepted me no matter the amount of attitude I had towards him. Now that I know exactly what it is like to have a real dad I see what I missed out on and how it has ruined me in the past. Daddy issues are a real thing and I know first hand because mine abandoned me. He literally left me. No birthday calls no anything. In Elementary School when we would make fathers day crafts, I would give them to my mom. I remember vividly when I was a little girl, I would cry when my brother would hang out with his girlfriend instead of me. I specifically remember telling him I felt neglected. I never had these problems with my sisters. Why is a 9-year-old bawling about feeling neglected by her brother? I know now its because I always feel like men are built to leave you. This is why my first love has had such a negative effect on me. I have only been in love 2 times in my life and both times were somewhat disasters because I felt that I needed them. I didn’t think I needed them for anything else but for comfort and love. I NEED affection and if I don’t get it then I automatically feel neglected. That is one of the main reasons my relationships don’t work out. These feelings started branching out to not just boyfriends but friends too. If my friends would change plans on me or even need extra time I would go into neglect mode. I would fall into a depression. I thought it was my fault. I thought It was my fault we weren’t going to be together. I always wanted to make sure I did everything right so I wouldn’t have to feel that way.  I started to physically feel alone even when I wasn’t. I could be in the Willowbrook Mall and still feel like no one was there. Later on, it started to feel more than just loneliness but more of a darkness. Whenever I would start to feel alone I would become so vulnerable and I would feel like a scared little girl in the darkness with absolutely no one. I never knew why I kept going back to that picture but now I do.

One of my goals for 2018 was to be more open so I wouldn’t feel as alone. I’ve been taking advantage of my family and friends by using them whenever I feel like talking. This has been the most helpful because not only am I getting help but I’m no longer feeling abandoned/neglected. These people love me and only want the best for me. They won’t leave me unlike some people in my life. You don’t leave someone if you love him or her without a valid reason. Once again, I am extremely grateful for my friends, family, and dog. Thank you for reading and let me know if you have any questions, comments, or feedback. 💋

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