Kicked Out of Therapy

This is not clickbait. YES! I was kicked out of therapy. Okay, so I’ve been with the same therapist for 2 long hard years. Lets call her Lola. Lola was my absolute everything. I looked forward to seeing her every Thursday. She knew the names of all of my friends, family, and even every single crush I’ve had. Lola knew ALL of my secrets. Sometimes I felt Lola knew me more than I did. I would always wait for her to tell me what to do next because she just seemed to know what was best for me. She was always there for me. She even called me everyday in the hospital to check up on me. Unfortunately, I was BOOTED out of therapy due to my own stubbornness. Now let me explain. I have both a therapist and a psychiatrist. I see my therapist weekly while I see my psychiatrist about every 5/6 months. It is extremely hard to get in and see a psychiatrist. I’ve been given a ton of antidepressants to try and of course, not all worked for me. I didn’t even give it a chance to work because I would either overdose on them or just not want to take them. It became a waste and I became a liability to the agency. After I came out of the hospital for overdosing, I was given an ultimatum at therapy. In order for me to continue seeing Lola, i would need to go to a group and or a partial day program. I tried the group and I absolutely HATED IT! I was surrounded by extremely boring depressed adults who would talk about car payments. Now in what way is that going to help me? An older man whispered in my ear “You wont get shit from this group, I just come here because I have nothing else to do.” I knew then and there that I would never come back. Now imagine me at a partial day program from 9 am to 2 pm surrounded by all sorts of people with mental illnesses. Now I believe that if I surround myself with people who have much more severe issues than me (ie; schizophrenia, homicidal thoughts), I might hit rock bottom again and I absolutely don’t want that. So I said no to that. It seemed as if the psychiatrist and Lola were mad at me for this. I remember calling my aunt telling her how upset I was at this ultimatum. I felt bullied. I ended up skipping my next therapy session because I was just not in the mood to deal with it plus I was so tired from work. I got a call from Lola later on saying if I miss again I would need to find another therapist. I NEVER MISS! So again, I felt bullied. Yesterday on 2/15/18, I walked into Lolas office for my weekly visit and there was a contract on her desk. A contract that was made by her and the psychiatrist. It had a list of rules that I needed to follow in order to stay there and a line for me to sign. Without even reading all of the rules (because I had a feeling what they were) I told her I’m not signing. I refuse to do something I don’t feel will help me. If that means finding another therapist and starting from scratch then so be it. In Lolas office I was confident in my decision and I hugged her and left. That was it. As I was leaving the building for the last time, I realized that it would be the last time I would see Lola. I basically just ended a two year relationship with a best friend. I started to cry and wonder if I can make it without Lola. The one thing that did make me feel better was knowing that Lola was confident enough to allow me to walk out without signing that contract. Throughout the two years, my life has been like a roller coaster. Sometimes I’m happy and sometimes I’m sad but no matter how bad it gets I somehow still manage to pick myself up again. Anyone can with the right amount of support and hope. I hope you guys enjoyed this little story. If anyone has any questions, comments, or feedback please let me know. Thank you for reading💋

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xoxo


2 thoughts on “Kicked Out of Therapy

  1. Yeah, I found group participation a mixed bag. Mostly it got boring and pointless, but when I started learning new methods for suicide from the others in the group, I knew it was time to leave.

    I’ve heard similar things about inpatient places. You have to know how to lie to them so they move you along.

    And as for psychiatrists, I’ve had a few but I always felt like a chemistry experiment with them rather than a human in need of help.

    From the tone of your post and the clear sightedness in it, I think you’re going to manage well on your own, at least until you figure out what your next treatment step might be.

    Liked by 1 person

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