THICK / Body Dysmorphic Disorder

(Me covering my belly in one of my instagram photos)

Body Dysmorphic Disorder is A mental illness involving an obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance.  I was never actually diagnosed with this but I was so sure that I had it. Someone who suffers from this may find himself or herself looking in the mirror for hours just pin-pointing everything wrong with their body.

Back when I was in high school I had it so good.

(Me back in high school)

I could eat anything that I wanted at any time and it wouldn’t matter because I would not gain a single pound. I was a cheerleader my whole life. We had practice every day and if it wasn’t practice it would be a tumbling class or a competition. No matter what, I was always burning those calories. After high school, I went straight to college for Nursing. I never believed I would fall victim to freshmen 15 only because I was only commuting. I was so wrong. I was eating more and more each day. Food court food, drive through food, you name it. Anything I could get my hands on, mostly because I never had time to always go home and eat. I tried going to the gym but I had no motivation at ALL. Since I was depressed I didn’t even care.  Years pass and I was still eating junk and being lazy. I didn’t have a problem with it until I went to Mexico last year. I went into panic mode. I had to get skinny before I went. I was finally eating clean and working out but this lasted about 2 weeks until I decided I didn’t care anymore. I figured I should love myself for who I am right?  That’s what I did.

(Me happy and unbothered in Mexico)

I was actually happy with myself for a while. I was rocking bikinis and tight clothes. That all changed when someone messaged me saying “someone’s getting thick”. Someone even asked me if I was pregnant. I immediately fell into my old ways and depression again. I started taking pictures where no one could see my belly, looser clothing, or just dressing bummy all the time so no one can see my curves. I took the word thick as me getting fat. More and more people started calling me thick and I was absolutely disgusted with my self but of course, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know how. I had thoughts of what it would be like if I would just be anorexic or starve myself but I never actually did it. Instead, I started working out and using Tammy Hembrow as my inspiration.

(My inspiration – Tammy Hembrow ❤️)

My best friend was so worried about me one day because she saw I didn’t like one of Tammy’s pictures. That show you know I love the girl. Ever since I started working out and eating cleaner I feel so much better about myself and I can actually look in the mirror without automatically wanting to cry.

(Me now! Cant you see how happy I am?)

Thank you guys for reading and stay tuned for more on my new fitness journey! 💋

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