Paranoid

Depression and anxiety kind of go hand and hand. I was lucky enough to be diagnosed with both (NOT). There is nothing wrong with being nervous, it happens to everyone. Everyone who knows me knows that I am a magnet when it comes to car accidents. I’ve been in 2 serious car accidents in my life. A car hit me when I was 12 and “T-boned” about 2 years ago. In between that time, I was involved in smaller car accidents.  My anxiety became focused on car accidents and driving. When I started panicking and getting scared for no reason, I knew something was wrong. I have triggers and a trigger is something that someone says or does that will instantly put me down. It would be something as little as “white wall” and I would immediately think about the psych ward. These triggers became so much worse and it changed a lot of my everyday life. I had to leave school because the long hallways would remind me of the hospital and the scrubs would remind me of the patients. It started out with distressed morning calls to my mom in the bathroom and changed to just full blown crying in class. It wasn’t even something that I could help at all. Work was my safe place. I was so calm there and my anxiety didn’t exist until one day it did. I started panicking at work and bawling my eyes out any second I could get. I had to walk around with a brown paper bag in my purse just in case I needed some extra help breathing. I started staying home more and more to prevent embarrassing moments like the ones I kept on having. I was scared to go anywhere; I wouldn’t hang out with my friends or even talk to them. I distanced myself from everyone. I always felt like everyone was judging me. I didn’t want anyone to ask me how I was doing for fear of having to lie and then having a panic attack. I started to get paranoid. I thought everyone was talking about me. I thought everyone was staring at me, and most of all I thought everyone saw that it said, “scared and lost” in bold letters on my damn forehead. I was a complete mess who stayed in bed for more than 15 hours a day. I didn’t even come out to eat because that was also done in bed. One day I went for my annual checkup and I ended up having an extreme panic attack in the doctor’s office. I was forced to stay there for hours but It was either that or psychiatric ward AGAIN. At this point, I was out of control. My doctor put me on strong anxiety medication that wasn’t even helping. After a week I stopped taking it because I wanted my head clear. I wanted to be the one to stop my anxiety. I used different ways cope and handle my fears/triggers. It is possible to overcome.

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@t_scorner