Am I “Crazy”?

Today I wanted to share a short story on my first manic episode. I’ve only ever had one but that one was one too many. During a manic episode, your mood changes from normal and is accompanied by high energy states.

I’ve had tons of panic attacks where I couldn’t breath and I just wanted to pull my hair out. I could deal with those. I just need someone to help me breath. I knew something was extremely wrong when I couldn’t get through this one.

One night I was just going through the motions. I wasn’t really present but I wasn’t really absent. I was home with my grandma and doggo, (I can’t pass up a moment to show JB)when all of a sudden I started panicking for no reason. It was a different panic though. This time I was pacing back and forth for quite some time. Unable to calm myself down, I started to get angry. It went downhill from there.

What would you do If you heard someone in your house screaming at the top of their lungs for no reason? I can’t even imagine how my grandma must have been feeling at the time. I started punching every surface available to me. Both my knuckles had bruising and it hurt for days. My doggo was looking at me like I was insane! My grandma came and tried to calm me down but she didn’t know what to do. I definitely wouldn’t know what to do If I were her either.

I had so much built up anger I wanted to go to kickboxing so I could let it out on that 100-pound bag but of course, no one would let me drive. At that point I was F U R I O U S. My family blocked my car in making it impossible for me to drive anywhere.

I knew I couldn’t stay home so instead, I decided to just leave on foot. I left my phone home so no one would get in contact with me. Keep in mind it was a super cold night. There was ice and 1-day old snow on the ground. I threw on a light sweater, some UGGs,  and left. I walked around my side of town for a while in the freezing cold crying my eyes out. I probably looked so crazy to everyone driving passed me.

While I was walking the only things I could think about were bad things. Dark things that no one should ever think. I wanted someone to hit me with a car, I wanted someone to just end all of the misery. After a while, I ended up at a Dunkin Donuts. I sat down alone and drank a hot green tea.

Light tears fell from my eyes but these weren’t sad tears. It was like I was finally relieved of something. I knew it was time to go home. I walked home knowing what had just happened was not okay because something serious could have actually happened and I didn’t even have my phone to let anyone know.

I got home to worried family members, TONS of missed calls, and text messages. I assured everyone I made it home safe and that I was sorry. That night my brother took me to get smash burger and other places just so I was out of the house and that also helped a lot. That was my first and I hope the last manic episode.

Not going to lie, this is really scary to go through. Your mind is racing and you are thinking about 7000 things at once. You wanna cry but you also wanna laugh. You feel like you belong in an insane asylum but actually, you don’t. These things do happen and you do learn from them. Now I’m able to share this story with you guys. I felt absolutely insane. As for the bystanders… It’s best you leave the manic person alone until they are ready but do take precautions like my family did. I wish everyone luck, happiness, and no more manic episodes! Thank you guys for reading! Follow my Instagram for daily posts; @T_scorner 💋

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