3:54 pm August 23, 2022
These days it seems as if almost nothing has a purpose. I have no plan, or even if I do, I don’t follow through with it. There’s been ups and a lot of downs. But believe me, if you’ve seen the smile on my face, you’d have no idea. I’m kind of just here to do my job as a mother and decent human being. So as I lay here on my mother’s bed, I’ll write. I have no idea what about but I’ll just write.
There’s so much that has happened in 2021/2022 that I want to share. I want to explain what a shipwreck it’s been finally, but before I can get to that, I have to commit to my blog again fully. Why is it so hard for me to achieve? What happened to the writer I once used to be? I had such a passion for sharing my thoughts. Not only was it nice to be able to get through to all of you, but it was just nice to get my emotions out. This was my outlet. I used to see a therapist, but after I refused the treatment they insisted on, my therapist could no longer see me because I was a “liability.” Okay. Cool. No problem, I have my own space where I can go through the motions, and I made it work.
I was on a roll. I had months and months of blog posts planned. I was coming up with ideas for new posts constantly. My stats were looking the best they ever did. I even paid more to upgrade my WordPress plan. My blog was everything to me. I remember that all came to an end during Blogmas 2020. I posted a blog post every single day and burned myself out. I took a break at the beginning of the new year and got comfortable. At the time, I was okay with it because I was living in the moment with my family and working a full-time job. Every day that passed, my blog became less and less important. I made excuses for it. I would post here and there, attempting to come back, but it always failed.
One thing I hated about myself was that I had all intentions to keep up with my word but literally never did. “I mean, come on, who’s gonna want to read her blog now.” I kept thinking to myself. This mentality forced me into a hole. I just wouldn’t post anything until I was ready (I was never prepared). I told myself I wouldn’t post anything until I had a good amount of planned posts first, so I wouldn’t let anyone down by just disappearing again. So I altogether avoided the app and rarely ever opened my laptop. The same thing goes for the rest of my social media. I avoid the apps because they give me anxiety. This happened unexpectedly because I used to be obsessed with social media. So, I’d let comments and messages pile up and completely miss out on others’ content, so I didn’t have to deal with feeling anxious. Which I think is an entirely valid reason to stay away from something, but still, I never want anyone to feel as if I’m ignoring them or don’t care because that’s not the case at all. There’s always so much I feel like I’m dealing with mentally and physically. I can’t ever catch a break to feel free enough to submerge myself into other people’s lives. I’m not there yet, but I want to be and not because I feel like I have to but because I miss it.
Because of that, I just stopped sharing, and many thoughts bottled up inside need to come out. So, for now, I’m going to be blogging for myself. I can’t worry about pleasing everyone because I haven’t even satisfied myself yet! I know as amazing as you all are, you will all understand. ♥
I saw a meme that said something along the lines of “We are almost at the end of 2022, and I still haven’t even processed 2020.” That’s how I’m feeling but more so about 2021. It’s like I’m continuously in slow motion while time, anything, and everything is zooming right alongside me. I keep wondering when I will snap out of this mental and physical nightmare. I also keep seeing and hearing talk about this feeling of rebirth everyone is going through. Why don’t I feel like that!? Maybe I shouldn’t compare myself to others.
Alright, I think that’s about it for now. I apologize if this post was a little all over the place or if it sounded a bit repetitive. That’s also the reason why I couldn’t think of a title. However, I do feel great after writing it. Here’s to a future of fulfillment!
As always, thanks so much for reading! Questions, comments, and feedback are always welcome. If you enjoyed this post, please comment, like and share! Make sure to check out my Instagram; @tianiangela_ and my latest video on YouTube💋