Quite the title right? But just thinking about how many times I have done it? I think I can safely say I deserve it. Am I proud? No. Do I regret it? No.
Hey guys! Today I come to you with a pretty deep blog post so if you are easily triggered this may not be for you.
If you have read any of my previous blog posts (which you should-be!) then you probably already know that I was hospitalized last year for attempted suicide. I should’ve been hospitalized 4 times before that.
My choice of suicide was always pills. I figured it would be painless and easy-going because it would knock me right out. Of course, I was wrong. It was the exact opposite. It was painful and so hard but I still always relied on the pills. Now I would literally reach for any pill in site! Whether it be over the counter pills that I would have lying around or prescribed pills that were mine or someone else’s. I had no care in the world. I just needed the pills.
It was such a mental thing because although pills take a while to kick in, I would always immediately feel better because I thought that soon enough the pain would completely stop. It didn’t…
Numerous amount of times my poor mother has had to see me throwing my life up from consuming so many pills. I was alive enough to throw up so obviously my plan to die failed EACH TIME. My stomach would hurt for days. My head would be pounding. It was basically like a hangover but 10 times worse. My second therapist told me that I must be seeking attention and I didn’t really want to kill myself because if I did, I would’ve taken a shit ton more.
My first therapist made it an order for my mom to collect every single pill bottle in my room. Every prescription was to go through her. I even had to ask for aspirin if I had a headache. It was for the better though.
No pills? What now? I was still going through a great deal of mental pain so sadly, I turned to cutting. Only my therapist knew. I even hid it from her for a while. That didn’t last long because it was starting to hurt much more than the pills ever did and remember I was looking for painless… not painful.
FAST FORWARD to now where I am suicide attempt free! I cannot stand the site of pills. I cannot take any pills. Every time I take something, It makes my body feel absolutely disgusting. It can be as little as a Midol and I will feel like I have taken 10 instead of 1. When I have headaches or pain I just have to push through it. I wonder if this feeling has happened to anyone else… Let me know!
Suicide is MUCH too common these days. It’s becoming a trend when it shouldn’t be. Overdosing as well. For example, the beautiful Demi Lovato was just hospitalized for an overdose. Does that make her a different person? No! She is still the same, she just had a setback. Anyone can struggle. Famous or not.
In the beginning, I said I didn’t regret it. I don’t really regret anything I do. Whats the point? It’s not like I can go back and change my past. My past is my past and what I can do is learn from it. What I can also do is hope that others can take something from this. You can get help before it gets too late.
Mental illness is NOT a sign of weakness.
Thank you guys for reading! Make sure to follow my Instagram for daily posts; T_scorner 💋