Trigger Warning: This post discusses self-harm.
It was Christmas Eve, on a Sunday night. Everything felt off. There was a complete shift in my mood. I knew this wasn’t me.
While locked in my darkroom I started to panic, but quietly of course. No one could know what I was going through.
Just like no one knew anything about me at the time.
I wasn’t making enough money which meant gifts would have to be put on hold. I wasn’t at all active. I wasn’t enjoying college. I felt like a complete failure. That was the beginning of a chapter in my life I never thought would happen.
I have never felt more alone in my life. Something inside me just wanted to end it all. I couldn’t stop shaking. I made eye contact with a bottle of Excedrin PM (little did I know this would be my downfall) and knew I needed to seek help right away. I went online and searched for suicide chat rooms because I was not comfortable talking to anyone on the phone.
On Christmas eve in my town, a Christmas float rides around at night blasting Xmas tunes and has Santa shouting Ho Ho Ho. The last thing I wanted to hear were the sounds of the jolly big guy and happiness. That moment sent me over the edge.
While still waiting, imagine the anxiety overload I felt when the only chat room I found had a waiting list.
I waited and waited while trying to find ways to prevent me from wanting to kill myself but I could only wait for so long.
Straight for the pill bottle I went. I downed enough Excedrin PM to feel numb but not enough to kill myself. Was I a coward? All I wanted was to be rid of the terrible feeling I was enduring.
Suddenly, I was not sad anymore. The pills couldn’t have kicked in that quick so how did I feel better so fast? The idea of having the choice to end it so quickly is what made me feel better.
This is a quick story about what it was like for me around the holidays. This is a feeling I hope no one has to go through. Wishful thinking though because it is so common. Just know that no matter how lonely you may feel. You aren’t.
The holidays are still a hard time for me, I just do a way better job at coping with it. My son also makes the job easier because how can I continue to be sad when he’s looking up at me with those big eyes smiling so hard? I cant! Here are some ways to cope with the holiday blues:
It may be hard and a little time consuming but trust me its worth it and once you start you won’t want to stop. Get moving cause this is great for your mental health. Exercising helps improve your mood by releasing chemicals in the brain such as serotonin and endorphins.
Find a way to do something that makes you happy without breaking the bank.
Money can be an issue and I know that first hand. When it comes to gifts, create a budget and stick to it. Or if it’s possible, why not create some homemade gifts? In my experience, those seem to be the best anyway. If it’s something for yourself, the same follows. Treat yourself in moderation. Or do it the DIY way!
Don’t distance yourself from family and friends.
This is the worst thing you can do. It’s okay to want to be alone. I love and appreciate my alone time just as much as the next person but there has to be a limit. This is the perfect time of year to take a look and reflect on who and what you have around you. Plus, being alone means there’s a possibility for more nasty thoughts.
Don’t put too much on your plate.
I know this may hard, especially for all my mamas, but you’re stressing yourself out. This can also be stressful for others around you. Try not to take on the world. Your best is more than enough.
To whoever reading this, you are loved. You are beautiful. You are special in your own way. You are never alone. Always reach out in a time of need, whether it be to me, a complete stranger, or a friend. I have also left some resources below if you or anyone needs them. Do not feel ashamed. Get back your holiday season!
As always, thanks so much for reading! Questions, comments, and feedback are always welcome. If you enjoyed this post, please comment, like and share! Make sure to check out my Instagram; @T_scorner 💋
Natoional Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Online Chat: Suicide Prevention Lifeline Chat
Find a hotline number in your state here.